Well, there ya have it. I could just leave it at this… and only this, because the title sums it up. Consider it your TL/DR (Too Long/Didn’t Read) summary because this one. If what’s in my brain ends up fleshed out on this post, it’s going to be a long one. Depression is a relentless motherfucker, that I have denied I’m suffering over and over. I lie to myself. Tell myself that “I’m fine… just feeling a bit down, that’s all” again and again. I can keep telling myself that until I’m blue in the face, and nothing would change the fact that I’m dealing with a metric shit ton of issues. I hate it. I thought that I could handle it. I thought that life was easy for me to tackle; that depression is not something I, of all people, would need to deal with, but isn’t that really part of it? Denial to a degree? I’ve been dealing with the need and want to get better, but something seems to always get in the way of it. Whether it’s something from my past that creeps up, or the reminder of something heinous that I’ve done… it makes me feel remarkably terrible.
Jane here. Hi! Nice to meet you to start with. Joe asked me to co-author this post with him. So, here I am! He is done writing this article by now, and asked me to go through and add in what I felt needed added 🙂 Ready? Good! Me too!
Ok, I have to say that you, Joe, have never done a heinous thing in your life! Seriously. Annoying? Sure. Bad? Maybe. Ridiculous? Definitely. Heinous? Never.
Oh I know this seems like it’s a self loathing post, and perhaps in a way it is. But there’s some shit I just need to say otherwise I may not be able to face it. We don’t have the time nor the funds for a therapist so, this is my outlet. So forgive me if this gets a bit… raw. I just need to say it. Thanks for listening in advance.
I’m going to work my way backwards… starting with the most recent reason for self deprecation right off the bat. Continue reading →
Alright…this is going to be a tough ‘series’ to write. The reason I call it a series is there are going to be a number of posts that revolve around this. I’m going to preface all of these with one simple thing:
These posts aren’t necessarily going to relate to everyone but it is simply therapy for me to get it all out. A way to let it go… so sorry if this doesn’t help you but I will say that any support given is much appreciated.
Okay, now that we have that out of the way, lets get into the thick of it. My insecurities are something that claw their way to the surface about every other day (if not every day) in a different incarnation. Jane will do or say something innocent or bring Rose up and I either get distant, quiet, morose or some nights… well… some nights I fall into a heap and just cry. And I think I’m realizing that this new thing.. this new lifestyle is actually making me face myself. Myself and my past. Continue reading →
My insecurities suck ass. Not just for me, mind you, but for Jane as well. With how monogamous minded I’ve been since…well.. forever and the sudden change happening, I find myself dealing with a lot of past insecurities. And I didn’t realize just how many I had. Granted, I knew that I wasn’t the most secure in my own right, I thought I had a better handle on life.
I thought wrong
It goes back to the early years when I would deal with a sense of abandonment. Realizing that my mother ultimately didn’t want to have me, my older siblings not really wanting “the runt” around, being given body acceptance issues (I wasn’t heavy and yet I still received “heavy” nicknames saying I ate too much, etc… which ultimately led me to do so later on in life, and so on and so forth made coping with this a little more of a handicap. This, I know, is unfair to Jane, really. I understand this. I’ve suppressed a lot of these things for SO many years and now that my lovely wife wants to add a third person to the mix, it brought up the insecurities I have. And this is coming from someone that, after thinking about this last night, I thought I’d be prepared for this and actually, secretly WANTED this type of set up all along. Continue reading →