Well, there ya have it. I could just leave it at this… and only this, because the title sums it up. Consider it your TL/DR (Too Long/Didn’t Read) summary because this one. If what’s in my brain ends up fleshed out on this post, it’s going to be a long one. Depression is a relentless motherfucker, that I have denied I’m suffering over and over. I lie to myself. Tell myself that “I’m fine… just feeling a bit down, that’s all” again and again. I can keep telling myself that until I’m blue in the face, and nothing would change the fact that I’m dealing with a metric shit ton of issues. I hate it. I thought that I could handle it. I thought that life was easy for me to tackle; that depression is not something I, of all people, would need to deal with, but isn’t that really part of it? Denial to a degree? I’ve been dealing with the need and want to get better, but something seems to always get in the way of it. Whether it’s something from my past that creeps up, or the reminder of something heinous that I’ve done… it makes me feel remarkably terrible.
Jane here. Hi! Nice to meet you to start with. Joe asked me to co-author this post with him. So, here I am! He is done writing this article by now, and asked me to go through and add in what I felt needed added 🙂 Ready? Good! Me too!
Ok, I have to say that you, Joe, have never done a heinous thing in your life! Seriously. Annoying? Sure. Bad? Maybe. Ridiculous? Definitely. Heinous? Never.
Oh I know this seems like it’s a self loathing post, and perhaps in a way it is. But there’s some shit I just need to say otherwise I may not be able to face it. We don’t have the time nor the funds for a therapist so, this is my outlet. So forgive me if this gets a bit… raw. I just need to say it. Thanks for listening in advance.
I’m going to work my way backwards… starting with the most recent reason for self deprecation right off the bat. Continue reading →
For those of you that look at the title of this post and are thoroughly confused, I apologize. I’m an IT Technician and this is how I think… quite often actually. Essentially, with everything that has happened in the last 3 – 4 months, I find that it’s time for me to really upgrade the base functioning software for my brain…
Jane’s first relationship (I put it in quotes because it was a long distance deal… and Rose is all the way across the country) with a woman… is pretty much over. For those of you MonoMinded folks out there that are going through the same struggles as I am are possibly saying “Hey?! Isn’t this… what you wanted? Isn’t this… you know… ideal? To get things back to how they where?” and I would say to you… NOOOOPE
Watching your spouse deal with anything that makes them sad can be a challenging thing. Your automatic response is to console and make things right. You want to take the pain away… ease the hurt… In typical situations, you, as the spouse, are the go to… the one that can console them… but what happens when you have to help your spouse through a breakup? Continue reading →
Since deciding to address the root of my insecurities, my life has taken an added step of flipping upside down. Jane has been suffering from MASSIVE migraines and we aren’t sure what’s been going wrong. And with this… it’s also brought up ANOTHER set of insecurities and/or jealousy that I’ve been trying to face: When Jane hurts… I’m not the only one that she turns too for comfort anymore. But there is ONE more layer that we’re going to talk about today… False Interpretations.
I’m a fucking bonehead.
When I took Jane to the hospital the first time her headache was too much to handle, she was in so much pain. It was bad, and I was worried (as I normally am when she gets REALLY sick because she’s an extremely strong woman with an equally strong pain tolerance). I look to my right as I’m driving and saw what appeared to be Jane chatting with Rose. And I instantly got agitated. You see, this is the first time that I felt I was experiencing my wife checking in with her other partner… letting her know she was okay but that we were going to the hospital, etc. And I didn’t know how to feel about it. But the emotions of being worried for Jane’s well being mixed with my insecurities that I was no longer the only one she would need to check in with… was a mixture for something, at that moment, that was not good. And I felt like a jackass too because while Jane was dealing with her illness, she also could see the emotion on my sleeve… and asked me about it. I personally feel that she shouldn’t have to deal with my emotional issues while she’s got an IV going and at the same time trying to calm a rager of a headache. But she muscled through and did anyway. Continue reading →
Alright…this is going to be a tough ‘series’ to write. The reason I call it a series is there are going to be a number of posts that revolve around this. I’m going to preface all of these with one simple thing:
These posts aren’t necessarily going to relate to everyone but it is simply therapy for me to get it all out. A way to let it go… so sorry if this doesn’t help you but I will say that any support given is much appreciated.
Okay, now that we have that out of the way, lets get into the thick of it. My insecurities are something that claw their way to the surface about every other day (if not every day) in a different incarnation. Jane will do or say something innocent or bring Rose up and I either get distant, quiet, morose or some nights… well… some nights I fall into a heap and just cry. And I think I’m realizing that this new thing.. this new lifestyle is actually making me face myself. Myself and my past. Continue reading →
My kids sit and eat their dinner that I’ve thrown together as Jane is currently Skyping with her (our) long distance… Um… Not sure what to call her? Is she a girlfriend? Friend with Benefit? I have no goddamn clue how to define it but there’s something there. We’ll call her Rose. Rose is on the cusp of a major life change and has taken a fucking HUGE leap of faith that Jane and I couldn’t be prouder of. And while she’s away on her trip, it’s proven to be exhausting both physically and mentally. I know that Jane has a humongous heart and for me, she always has the right things to say to bring someone around. Jane, I know you read this as well so, whether I show it properly, you help me more than you know and it’s starting to show with the other people you’ve been able to reach out to. So be proud. Because the thing you’ve always wanted to do… help people… has finally come to fruition.
Rose is on the last leg of her trip and, though I’m not fully involved in the conversation at this point, it seems like she’s just… tired and unsure. So, while weekends for the most part are incredibly important to me as I’m not at work and can be here all day… I knew that Jane needed to reach out. And I was hoping beyond hope that Rose would accept the offer. And she did! Continue reading →
My insecurities suck ass. Not just for me, mind you, but for Jane as well. With how monogamous minded I’ve been since…well.. forever and the sudden change happening, I find myself dealing with a lot of past insecurities. And I didn’t realize just how many I had. Granted, I knew that I wasn’t the most secure in my own right, I thought I had a better handle on life.
I thought wrong
It goes back to the early years when I would deal with a sense of abandonment. Realizing that my mother ultimately didn’t want to have me, my older siblings not really wanting “the runt” around, being given body acceptance issues (I wasn’t heavy and yet I still received “heavy” nicknames saying I ate too much, etc… which ultimately led me to do so later on in life, and so on and so forth made coping with this a little more of a handicap. This, I know, is unfair to Jane, really. I understand this. I’ve suppressed a lot of these things for SO many years and now that my lovely wife wants to add a third person to the mix, it brought up the insecurities I have. And this is coming from someone that, after thinking about this last night, I thought I’d be prepared for this and actually, secretly WANTED this type of set up all along. Continue reading →
Call me Joe. I’ve decided to partially keep this anonymous because frankly, some people in my life really are not ready for how frank I’m going to be with this blog. If you’ve landed here, you more than likely were linked or did a search about the topic of Polyamory. A Monogamous person living with a Polyamorous person to be exact. That is my situation. Let me backtrack a bit though…
My wife and I have been married for more than a decade. We married young and had the world in front of us laid out like a platter. Problem is, we were flat broke so we often had to choose from the sample platter, if you will. We didn’t have it easy, as most couples don’t. Luckily we didn’t have to worry about things like student loans, etc. I didn’t make all that much money, even into the more recent years but, I’d like to think we did well with what we had. At the end of the day, we had each other, and that is what counted for me. She was, and still is, my life. Continue reading →