For those of you that look at the title of this post and are thoroughly confused, I apologize. I’m an IT Technician and this is how I think… quite often actually. Essentially, with everything that has happened in the last 3 – 4 months, I find that it’s time for me to really upgrade the base functioning software for my brain…
Jane’s first relationship (I put it in quotes because it was a long distance deal… and Rose is all the way across the country) with a woman… is pretty much over. For those of you MonoMinded folks out there that are going through the same struggles as I am are possibly saying “Hey?! Isn’t this… what you wanted? Isn’t this… you know… ideal? To get things back to how they where?” and I would say to you… NOOOOPE
Watching your spouse deal with anything that makes them sad can be a challenging thing. Your automatic response is to console and make things right. You want to take the pain away… ease the hurt… In typical situations, you, as the spouse, are the go to… the one that can console them… but what happens when you have to help your spouse through a breakup?
I think my brain just threw a blue screen of death.
This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to navigate/manage in my life. I hate seeing Jane hurt. It’s rough. REALLY rough… And she’s trying to navigate these new feelings, new emotions, new sexuality on top of the heartache of losing the relationship that was so newly established. And there’s not really anything I can do about it.
We had a discussion last night… way too late, mind you, but a discussion all the same. I’m trying to figure out a metric shit ton about myself. In my previous posts I’ve mentioned how there is a lot of underlying issues from my past that currently make me a… broken me, essentially. And a lot of my insecurities are based on all of those things rolled up into a sticky blob resembling a cherry fruit roll up turned into a cavity inducing sugar sphere. This raises a bunch of questions in my quest to actually figure out just who the fuck I really am. And for me, though I probably over complicate things, it’s a humungous smorgasbord of rapid fire questions that almost makes me not want to think about it. For example, I’ve been asking myself lately the following:
- Am I good enough? (I’ve asked this one a lot for the past 4 months)
- Am I actually good looking/handsome?
- Am I Polyamorous too? And if so… how do I manage if Jane can’t deal with that?
- Does this effect the music I like? (Weird, I know, but music is a HUGE deal for me)
- Do I REALLY crave THAT much attention?
That’s just a small, miniscule example. There is SO much more and it all gets spit out at me in one fell swoop. It sounds like a high school cafeteria in my head sometimes. So. Loud.
If you get this.. you know what’s up…
Then you have things like Jane asking/telling me “If you want to look for someone for you, though it’d be really hard, you can.” All I want is her.. and for her to be happy… And though I haven’t fully examined that, I just don’t see me going that route.
Another thing that I brought up to Jane last night was the fact that I’m feeling more and more the need for validation. Being a man that has always envisioned being in a monogamous relationship with is wife, with the occasional hope of being able to enjoy a threesome with my wife but more as just a “play time” as opposed to polyamory (not that I didn’t like the thought of that lifestyle, but more because we’re always told that plural relationships are bad bad bad.), I never thought that I would need to feel “validated” as a man in regards to my appearance, personality, etc. When my wife found herself falling in love with someone outside of our bond, it moved me into questioning myself and my worth.
Scratch that thought…
Anyone that REALLY knows me knows that I’ve ALWAYS questioned my worth, my appearance, my attractiveness, sex appeal, etc etc etc. My self esteem rides way below average. I’ve never been in a position for someone other than my wife to tell me what they think of me in that regard. Am I there now? Do I even have that outlet? And why do I feel the need to question now? Technically nothing has changed…
But why does it feel like it has?
I’m not really sure if there is a good “support” for people like me. There are shit tons of people out there ready to embrace and surround people in the Polyamorous lifestyle. There are people that understand… are there to help and cope. For those of us that AREN’T… or don’t have that option… what do we do? How do we get that validation and hear those compliments when your Significant Other is either giving and/or receiving compliments usually reserved for you… to someone else?
You know I just thought of something, I believe I’m dealing with a different subset of jealousy (and if you’re in a situation like mine, PLEASE chime in so I don’t feel crazy and solo). I absolutely CRAVE the attention, confirmation, adoration, validation and any other -tion you can throw in there from my wife. And now that she had (sucks that I have to put that in past tense) received that from someone else, and was readily giving it back… I feel like the kid that watches his best friend get Ice Cream from the ice cream man and I have lint pockets like a straight up pooro. Sure I don’t “NEED” it… but it sure would be nice…
Fast forward to today… I’m driving to a client location for work and I’ve found a playlist on Spotify that I absolutely love. I’ll have to get around to posting my music based post that I’m working on because it is such a huge part of me… There’s this one song that came on today that I’ve played no less than 10 times… It’s a song that the chorus really speaks to me. The artist is a guy named Man Man and the song is “Head On”. I simply smiled, looked at the mountains as I drove and started feeling my heart swell a bit… I mean come on.. with lyrics like these:
And I need new skin for this old skeleton of mine
Cause this one that I’m in
Has let me down once again
Over timeHold on to your heart
Hold it high above flood waters
Hold on to your heart
Never let nobody drag it under
Hold on to your heart
Even when the whole world’s bitter
Hold on to your heart
Never let nobody take it over
Ever take it overEver take it over from you
So the old Joe needs to shed this old skin and really get to know who he is (why am I talking in third person?). I need to get to the root of everything.. and work it out from the inside out… and really… REALLY get to know who I am… so I can be the best for Jane. Though I can’t make it “better” for her in this time… I still need to do whatever I can, be whoever she needs… to help her
So I’m finding solace in something… to make my brain function properly. And Man Man… you’ve got the goods…
Poly-Ish! Learning About Polyamory The Hard Way... 
First of all I want to thank you for writing this blog. I am in a situation similar to yours and It is hard not having any kind of support system. I have been with my partner for thirteen years and so far this hasn’t gotten any easier for me. I tottaly feel you on the validation thing as I find it very difficult when I know my partner is actively with her other partner. I ask the same questions of my worth over and over. Please don’t feel crazy becuase you are deffinately not alone with feeling the ache of jealousy. Also Man Man rocks. I saw them live in LA and they were phenomenal. Honus the lead singer was seriously the nicest guy ever.
You are most welcome, Donnie. Something that I’m finding is that there really isn’t the most “comprehensive” support network for those of us on the Mono side of things.. or atleast nothing truly for those of us just beginning to understand. I know it’s frustrating to say the least. Anyway, Sorry to hear that it hasn’t gotten easier. I truly understand that as well.
For me.. it’s not so much about it “getting easier” but about me getting more understanding as the days go by. If you’ve been married for 13 years, there are tons of embedded “trusts” that you and your wife have formed. Unless your wife is acting with total disregard for you, which I severely doubt based on your response. Then the best I can suggest is to start hammering away at your jealousy, doubt and fear of abandonment based on that trust you two have developed.
My wife… god my wife… she’s an amazing woman. For me, it was extremely hard at first to even begin to IMAGINE that she would want to be with someone else.. solo… without me. And the communication was super key. Something that seems to have turned the tide for me, and helped me deal better than I ever have in the last 4 months, is being direct. Most of the time I need to get some wine in me, this allows me to be more direct AND to relax.
If I need her to tell me that she loves me.. that I’m her #1… that she finds me sexy and/or desirable… I tell her. Part of our inherent fear, when the affections of the one we’ve trusted our hearts with begins to show feelings for someone else in addition (this is key.. not instead) to us… our mono brains naturally throw up red flags of replacement. And you know what? It fucking sucks. I tell my wife constantly I hate my brain. But when I realize that… she’s still right by my side, even when she’s emotionally somewhere else (and in your case, it seems physically as well)… though she may be putting New Relationship Energy into her other partner… it doesn’t mean that you are ANYTHING less..
Feel free to reach out to me anytime, my friend! I’m adding a “contact page” right now.. so if you need something, let me know.