Since deciding to address the root of my insecurities, my life has taken an added step of flipping upside down. Jane has been suffering from MASSIVE migraines and we aren’t sure what’s been going wrong. And with this… it’s also brought up ANOTHER set of insecurities and/or jealousy that I’ve been trying to face: When Jane hurts… I’m not the only one that she turns too for comfort anymore. But there is ONE more layer that we’re going to talk about today… False Interpretations.
I’m a fucking bonehead.
When I took Jane to the hospital the first time her headache was too much to handle, she was in so much pain. It was bad, and I was worried (as I normally am when she gets REALLY sick because she’s an extremely strong woman with an equally strong pain tolerance). I look to my right as I’m driving and saw what appeared to be Jane chatting with Rose. And I instantly got agitated. You see, this is the first time that I felt I was experiencing my wife checking in with her other partner… letting her know she was okay but that we were going to the hospital, etc. And I didn’t know how to feel about it. But the emotions of being worried for Jane’s well being mixed with my insecurities that I was no longer the only one she would need to check in with… was a mixture for something, at that moment, that was not good. And I felt like a jackass too because while Jane was dealing with her illness, she also could see the emotion on my sleeve… and asked me about it. I personally feel that she shouldn’t have to deal with my emotional issues while she’s got an IV going and at the same time trying to calm a rager of a headache. But she muscled through and did anyway.
What I DIDN’T realize was, she was just shooting occasional messages to her… but had every intention of spending the time with me, as we always have done. And after I had to rush away to bring dinner to the kids… she was chatting with Rose to pass the time.
You know the mindset of “People won’t really focus on the good things but will harp on the bad, no matter how small it is?”. It can be said about restaurant reviews, movies, books, and relationships. And I find that I have been doing just that. The efforts that Jane has made to show me love, to show me affection and to show me that I’m still her Primary… sometimes (not so much recently, though) gets overshadowed by the things that I interpret as “replacing me” or “liking her more”. It’s a vicious cycle I put myself into. And did you see that? I realize that it’s ME putting myself in that position. And for any other ‘mono’ in a poly situation, we all need to realize that we’re putting ourselves in a bad bad BAD position when we think like that. So I say this:
You’ve done NOTHING wrong… Your Partner still loves you… Nothing in regards to their affection for you has changed.
That leads me to the second part of this… False interpretations. This is talking to the Mono guys and gals that are feeling like their world is on the spin cycle. While, it may very well be on the spin cycle, it’s not nearly as bad as you think (yes, I have to remind myself of this as well, sometimes). But get a grip and hold on tight to a few things. Like your partner. They love you, respect you, and are aware of the fact that you’re struggling (whether you want to believe that or not, is on you). This is something that is new for them too in most cases (I’m speaking specifically to those that are new to this arrangement). There are different poly arrangements that I’ve interacted with online recently. I’m speaking of the “V” arrangement (where there are two relationships with one person as the “hinge”), the “Triad” (where there are a “communal” relationship of all three people), and the relationship where the Poly person doesn’t feel comfortable with the Mono partner dating/sleeping with someone else.
Everyone has their reasons for their arrangements. And you have to.. you MUST communicate for any of the above arrangements to work. But for those Mono people that are feeling like their Poly partner isn’t taking their feelings into account… that they are not as important… those that don’t fully understand “New Relationship Energy” (don’t worry, I’m still learning about how to deal with that myself)… take heart and trust me… it’s not nearly as bad as it seems.
If you’re anything like me, you are one to hold onto routines, traditional couplings and that mindset as a whole. So when that is shaken a bit, you feel like you’re floating aimlessly. But something I’ve done in the last week, quite literally, is let go of that notion. Sometimes I feel like I’m at the end of my rope.. that if I were to simply let go, I’d either fall to my emotional death or at the very least, fall into a pit of depression. But when I actually DID let go… I found that the ground was seriously right under my feet… about 3 feet down. Steadying myself was and IS not easy, mind you. I still get my twinges of jealousy. Seeing Jane wake up and after a bit send chat messages to Rose in the morning, or messaging her at night after I get home from work typically would send me into a jealous spiral of sadness leading to Jane and I having a long, tired conversation right before bed where we would both say things that hurt… there would be tears, irritation and borderline fury sometimes. Lately, when these things happen… I find that if I suppress my insecurities and simply just “live” in the moment… everything is fine. Nothing changes. Sure I’d love to have time where it’s just her and I, no phones, no contact or mention of extra relationships… but I realize that we’re still growing, learning and figuring it all out. And that’s natural.
And if that’s what I can leave you with at the end of this post… is that if you are in this relationship with your partner, and started your lives together monogamous and it’s grown into a poly situation… remember just that… It’s still Growing. Think of your relationship as a tree. It may have started growing straight up, but as it matures, your tree has sprouted branches and is growing stronger. The more you water, feed and nurture the roots of your relationship, the stronger and longer lasting your “tree” will be. But if you wontonly chop off the branches that sprout without properly pruning and caring for it… you may very well Kill the thing you treasure the most.
and on that note, I’m not really sure that analogy made any fucking sense and I may need to go back and reword it… but.. well.. there ya have it!
until next time… love each other… no matter what.