Alright…this is going to be a tough ‘series’ to write. The reason I call it a series is there are going to be a number of posts that revolve around this. I’m going to preface all of these with one simple thing:
These posts aren’t necessarily going to relate to everyone but it is simply therapy for me to get it all out. A way to let it go… so sorry if this doesn’t help you but I will say that any support given is much appreciated.
Okay, now that we have that out of the way, lets get into the thick of it. My insecurities are something that claw their way to the surface about every other day (if not every day) in a different incarnation. Jane will do or say something innocent or bring Rose up and I either get distant, quiet, morose or some nights… well… some nights I fall into a heap and just cry. And I think I’m realizing that this new thing.. this new lifestyle is actually making me face myself. Myself and my past.
I want this for Jane. I want this for us! I find myself wanting to be able to share this with her and being a part of it all. I (as I’m sure other “mono” partners feel) don’t want to have to feel left out, left behind and alone while she’s out with someone else (or texting, chatting, etc). I don’t want to feel abandoned.
DING DING DING DING DING
Thanks, Hector… You’re bringing this all up to the surface. Abandonment. I’ve realized recently that my abandonment and insecurities come from several ‘episodes’ throughout my life. Perhaps someone in my position reading this may be coming to that realization as well. Being that I work a metric shit ton, I don’t have all that much time to go see a therapist about it, but being that I have a knack for remembering really weird things, I’m going to confront some of these on this blog… so here goes the subject of the first one:
Birth And The Surrogate.
Apparently, before I was born, my mother had an abortion. She didn’t want any more kids. She had my siblings already and she was done apparently. Well, she got pregnant with me and from what I’ve been told by my grandparents, my father didn’t want my mother to have another abortion. Thus goes 9 months of carrying around me. Well… when I was born, my mother didn’t want me… still. So the first few months of my life, I lived with my grandparents.
I found this out less than 5 years ago (I’m in my 30’s).
Recently finding out that you weren’t wanted by your mother is a really difficult thing to come to terms with. Though I will say that, I recently read somewhere that kids that find out they were adopted shouldn’t fly off the handle, but realize that they were loved enough by someone else to take them in and raise them as their own. And I agree to an extent. So to my Grandparents… thank you. Thank you for loving me and never giving up on me… even when you didn’t know me yet.
But this is something, I guess, that gives me a starting point. I mean, the way my wiring works essentially tells me that I’ve been abandoned since the beginning. Tying it all back to the present, I’m no longer Jane’s sole source of affection and love. She is looking to fill her heart the best way she knows how… and for me, something that her and I have discussed is my fear that, eventually she’d end up realizing that she wouldn’t want me as her primary anymore…
Let’s address THAT for a moment. I know people can’t make guarantees in life but you would think that after 10+ years, kids and other nonsense and bullshit that we’ve gone through and stayed strong, this would be something that would be a no brainer for me. It’s not like she’s wanting to go spend her nights in someone else’s bed (we’ve had this discussion). She wants to wake up to me. And frankly, that relieves a lot of my unfounded fears. But why the hub-bub then? Why do I still get all nervous like and antsy? Again… Fear.
So now I need to reaffirm myself… She’s not going to leave, she’s not going to chose her instead of me. And by “her” I mean the idea. This is something that we are doing together… and I can’t let what my mother did cloud this. There’s going to be a lot of “mama/papa issues” that I’ll be needing to deal with. I’ll also focus on “friendships” that turned out to be bullshit as well. And a lot of forgiveness that I’ll be up against. But for now… typing all of this out, I’ve faced it and hopefully… this is the first step in moving on from it.
Mother… I don’t hate nor resent you for what you did. You may have been going through something rough… something difficult that I don’t know about… Even if you weren’t, I still need to let it go. And that’s what I’m doing. I’m letting it go… I forgive you… and I love you…
And it’s about fucking time that I start loving myself…