My insecurities suck ass. Not just for me, mind you, but for Jane as well. With how monogamous minded I’ve been since…well.. forever and the sudden change happening, I find myself dealing with a lot of past insecurities. And I didn’t realize just how many I had. Granted, I knew that I wasn’t the most secure in my own right, I thought I had a better handle on life.
I thought wrong
It goes back to the early years when I would deal with a sense of abandonment. Realizing that my mother ultimately didn’t want to have me, my older siblings not really wanting “the runt” around, being given body acceptance issues (I wasn’t heavy and yet I still received “heavy” nicknames saying I ate too much, etc… which ultimately led me to do so later on in life, and so on and so forth made coping with this a little more of a handicap. This, I know, is unfair to Jane, really. I understand this. I’ve suppressed a lot of these things for SO many years and now that my lovely wife wants to add a third person to the mix, it brought up the insecurities I have. And this is coming from someone that, after thinking about this last night, I thought I’d be prepared for this and actually, secretly WANTED this type of set up all along.
Welcome to the Side Tangent of this post: Polygamy fascinates me. Not in the creepy, Warren Jeffs hooking up with 13 year old girls, fascinated (why don’t you have a seat over here…) but in the HBO series “Big Love” aspect. True, it was sensationalized for the sake of serialized TV but the concept of loving multiple people, enjoying a sexual relationship with more than one woman, said women knowing and loving each other, and making it all work appealed to me for some reason. Maybe it’s the lack of love in my life up until I met my wife. Throughout my life I felt betrayed. I felt hurt. I felt left out. Watching how Bill Paxton interacted with his three (and almost four) wives on the show… and how much he loved them and wanted to provide and take care of them always made me want to be a better husband and father. I know it’s kinda bizarre to think about but even though he ended up being a scumbag for the better part of the end of the series due to a twisted sense of doing what was right… I admired his ambition to make it work. Now my biggest caveat to all of this is that Bill Paxton’s setup was for separate relationships with each of his wives. For me, I feel that I would want the relationship dynamic to be completely inclusive (plainly put: Threesomes ahoy).
Now I’ve said all of that to go into a situation that happened last night. Jane and I were discussing a few different things, scenarios, what we’re comfortable with and what is a no go. Those of you that are in the lifestyle know that, especially at the beginning, these conversations seem almost like all you talk about. One of our discussions were what we’re looking for in a “third”. Essentially, I do believe we’re both looking for the ever elusive “Unicorn”. Jane has expressed the want to have “Girls night out” with the third sometimes. Which at first I had no problem with. Thanks to some of the posts on reddit.com/r/polamory I started second guessing myself. I realized that, if we’re both dating the same person as a “third” in our relationship and a “Girls night out” be simply a “date”?
Welcome to Side Tangent #2: Jane wants to experience being with a woman. In all of her years on this earth she’s pretty sure that she’s repressed this need. For her, per conversations we’ve had, she looks at an encounter with a woman to be different than one with another man. She doesn’t want to sleep with another man. At all. She doesn’t want to “touch another cock save for yours, Joe”. This is definitely comforting because I think, at this moment for me that scenario is a hard line. But when it comes to women, she wants that. I’ll preface this next part by saying that I’m on the same page with Jane, here. Now, though we are talking about bringing a third into the mix, Jane would prefer that I don’t have sex, go on dates, etc individually with our proposed third. Right now, in my mind, I couldn’t even fathom the thought. It’s not something that I want to do outside of having Jane there. Call it needy, call it co-dependent but she is the only person I want to be with, solo. For me, we’re talking “Quad-Titties”… this is a no brainer for me.
Back to our story. How would I feel if Jane and “Ms. X” decided to go out on the town, go see a movie, have a quiet dinner and drinks. As a “third” myself, what will I be doing then? Video Games? Catching up on The Walking Dead? What intimate moments, stolen kisses, birth of insides jokes and more would I essentially be missing out on?
Or am I simply over reacting? Jane, for as long as I’ve known her, has been an introvert. While I’m the one lip syncing (Gloriously I might add) to Bon Jovi accompanying the the grocery store’s PA soundtrack, she was the one moving away from me, shaking her head. Now she’s vivacious, she’s coming out of her shell… she’s dancing… she’s glowing. I’ve never seen this woman before. And I Like… no.. I LOVE it. She’s so. fucking. sexy. And the thought of her taking the leap forward and reaching out to other women to see if they want to go hang out makes me happy and proud. Add in the dynamic of a relationship being a part of it and I start bumbling like Gilligan.
Bringing this full circle, our discussion last night brought up some of these feelings I’m discussing now. And it ended up making a mess of things. Even though this is something that she’s chosen to pursue (bisexuality, polyamory, etc), it’s still the early stages and we’re taking the steps to come to a common ground. Simply put, while I may be able to type out all of my feelings and questions, etc, in the verbalizing department, I’m a mess. I make a mess of things and something that is supposed to be so sweet, and new, and fun and exciting… I turn it into a puddle of mud.
So for those that may be wondering, no I don’t find her selfish. She’s not. Jane is trying to figure out all of this just as much as I am. I want her to have this. I know what she needs. And I’m going to make sure that I facilitate this transition. With Love, Honesty and Communication, we can make this an amazing experience for the rest of our lives. I just need to remember to put my paints back at the end of class otherwise it’s going to leave a mess in the morning and that’s just no good.
That last analogy came out WAY better in my head than when I actually typed it… sorry bout that.