Call me Joe. I’ve decided to partially keep this anonymous because frankly, some people in my life really are not ready for how frank I’m going to be with this blog. If you’ve landed here, you more than likely were linked or did a search about the topic of Polyamory. A Monogamous person living with a Polyamorous person to be exact. That is my situation. Let me backtrack a bit though…
My wife and I have been married for more than a decade. We married young and had the world in front of us laid out like a platter. Problem is, we were flat broke so we often had to choose from the sample platter, if you will. We didn’t have it easy, as most couples don’t. Luckily we didn’t have to worry about things like student loans, etc. I didn’t make all that much money, even into the more recent years but, I’d like to think we did well with what we had. At the end of the day, we had each other, and that is what counted for me. She was, and still is, my life.
At the end of 2013, I fucked up. We were doing okay, but not “stellar”. Our sex life was on again, off again…. unfortunately mostly off again and I was in a dark time in my life. I wasn’t taking care of my family, despite how hard I tried. Financial strain, no road map and a severe lack of confidence led me into the “digital” arms of another woman… well.. women. There were two women, one was a friend and the other was a friend of the first. And we ended up having regular three-way sexting chats on facebook. I ended it and tried to put it behind me. Well, you see, facebook archives that shit and makes it downloadable. Long story short, my better half, let’s call her Jane, found them and my life changed forever… for the first time.
Shortly after reconciling (which truthfully, took one day. I have a very forgiving wife), my wife started “liberating” herself from her conservative upbringing. Piercings, Tattoos, changing her appearance and generally doing the things that she always wanted to do or talked about doing in the early parts of our marriage. But what she said next, I hadn’t expected…
I really should have seen that coming. In the past we had talked about threesomes, watched the show on PlayboyTV “Swing” and would get incredibly turned on by it. So we set out to try and figure out how to scratch that itch for her. Of course, she said, I would benefit from it (threesomes ahoy) but she really wanted to experiment. And we found our “unicorn”. And after some active discussion with said unicorn (a mutual friend of ours that lives across the country)… I was slightly blindsided by what she said next…
I think… I’m polyamorous
WHOA Hold the phone. Yousa what (you just read that in Jar Jar’s voice, didn’t you?)??? What does this all mean? How does this change our marital dynamic? So many questions came through with this realization:
- Am I not good enough?
- Is this because I fucked up and chatted?
- Are you going to want a separate relationship apart from me?
- Is this something that I’m simply to just accept?
- Do I have to make this work now? Do I not get a say?
We were Square Pegs in Square holes… we fit. Everyone knew us as “the perfect couple”. Even with our arguments we were the model for what people wanted in a relationship. Attentive, supportive, loving and loyal. I know everyone has chinks in their armor and my chatting was just that for me. But honestly, I had never expected this… and I still, now that we’re 2 months or so into the changes in our dynamic, I’m learning more about her, and myself everyday.
My wife and I are working together through this and I think I needed something like this to get me through. This blog is going to be my thoughts taken down… put out there. Perhaps some of you in the community and the lifestyle can provide advice. I’m going to incorporate humor because that’s how I deal. Some of this, well… a lot of it will be very raw. So some of you that may be in my current situation that are looking for advice as well, don’t let this shy you off because honestly, every situation is different.
Like for instance, and I’ll get more into this later but, something that Jane (yeah, let’s call her “Jane”) and I have figured out is that… I may not be monogamous either, but, polyamorous as well. Maybe Poly-ish would be a better way to describe it. I, too, want to pursue a relationship with another woman, but one that we choose together. And oddly enough, Jane is more than fine with that and actually excited about the prospects. That doesn’t fully change my insecurities (and WOOO I have a treasure trove of insecurities), but it helps a bunch.
So, while I may not be in the deep end just yet, I’m waist deep in the pool of poly, if you will. I’m wading my way through the mid range to get to the deep. I’m learning, so is she… and we’re trying to take it a bit slow… And though we used to be square pegs in square holes… our edges are getting a little rounder I think… and we’re trying to find that “new” perfect fit.
Welcome to Poly-ish!